Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
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My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”