My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
You Might Also Like
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
The happy life.. 😊
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos