I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
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MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
smh
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”