ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
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[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?