This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
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Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
I miss this era type of pranks😭
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.