[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
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It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”