had to make it
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*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
Hmm, not sure about this change
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
Breaking news:
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk