If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
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My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight