[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
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Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
my lower back watching me try to live my life
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.