A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
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“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn鈥檛 wish it on anyone
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
I can鈥檛 wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
Hi, I鈥檓 Amanda and I stew on things that could鈥檝e been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you鈥檝e had so far
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
Tammy is short for Tamuel
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn鈥檛 go down.
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 馃檭
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
Maybe I鈥檓 like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!