What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
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Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
won’t smith
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
This anagram machine is out of order.
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.