[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
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[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school