If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
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her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
this is funnier than any friends episode
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
That’s it.I’m out.
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.