interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
You Might Also Like
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.