[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
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My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
I pray every night that I never become religious…
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?