[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
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Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
when you order from DoorDastardly