*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
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My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
This will never not be funny 😭
Not today
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
I believe the plural is “milves.”
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.