I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
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Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.