Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
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I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
Ferrari squats
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
The news is so predictable nowadays
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
any last words?
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
My kid: you took my KitKat, didn’t you?
Me:
Me: I am shocked!
My kid: are you shocked because you took my KitKat or are you shocked because I could figure it out?
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
Simple