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I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal