As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
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Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..