[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
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The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO