[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
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Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.