My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
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*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
Twitter is an abusement park.
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
FRED: right
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
Friday
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.