Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
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Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
grotesque if literal: baby food
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing