I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
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As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business