“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
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*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
can’t talk my ride’s here
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
bro what is going on at twitter
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?