CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
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DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.