*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
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Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
sry
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.