my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
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JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.