Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
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As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW