My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
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I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?