[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
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It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*