Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
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We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”