“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
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“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.