The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
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Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly