[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
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[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
I’m calling the cops.
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?