Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
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I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
Guy who likes music
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs