NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
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“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
Classic German Shepherd 😂
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.