@ candidates for local office
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Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
Noah
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
Seems legit
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is