I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
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How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
dream blunt rotation
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.