me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
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Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
my dad when a sex scene comes on
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
My wife has the worst taste in men.
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.