If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
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Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen