*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
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Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?