*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
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Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.