I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
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[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.