HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
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We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “