[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
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I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
all that yoga finally paid off
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.