Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
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me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
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I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
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me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
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All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
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The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
ugh not again
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
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Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.