Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
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If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
I’m dying louder than usual today.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.